Fringe Heresies: Skratzivort

Skratzivort is a relatively irrelevant deity, having a portfolio that most rational beings simply do not care about. If it were not for the Yggdrasil-dwelling ratatosk, it is likely he would have disappeared millennia ago. That all changed with the rise of the hobloggers a few centuries ago during the building of Irongate. Something about the hobloggers drew them to Skratzivort and his philosophy of scampering up and down trees, gliding between them, and hoarding nuts. Or perhaps it was just that the hobloggers were completely nuts. Scholars could not care less, and most religious authorities are more than happy that it keeps the hobloggers away from their congregations.

Skratzivort’s origins lie deep in the mists of history. At least that is what most scholars believe. As the deity of squirrels, no one ever noticed him, let alone cared to investigate him more deeply. It is possible he is a recent addition to the ranks of the deities. Some believe he may be an Animal Lord grown to deity status; others suspect he is a ratatosk who ascended; still others think he was the familiar of some peculiar wizard or the animal companion of some deluded druid or both who retained his abilities after the death of his master and continued to grow in power. Some even think he is related to the vile and treacherous Raxivort, Lord of Rats, Bats, and Xvarts, because of the similarity of their names and irrelevance of their portfolios. Whatever the truth, Skratzivort is a deity with a following, and most obsessive scholars find themselves compelled to include him in their lists.

Skratzivort does not have a standard form he uses when he manifests. He has appeared as everything from a halfling with excessive body hair, to an anthropomorphic squirrel (moreso than a typical ratatosk), to a squirrel of varying size. Indeed it is suspected that Skratzivort is one of the more active deities, appearing to his worshipers regularly in the form of a squirrel that watches them approvingly whenever they undertake a particularly difficult task involving scampering or nut acquisition (plus gliding, where applicable).

Skratzivort’s cult does not really have any purpose, unless you consider scampering and gathering nuts (and do not forget gliding!) to be purposes. Based on how some of his followers act, it is possible that acquiring a furry tail is also a purpose of his followers, as creating such seems to be a major activity, and many ceremonies involve saluting each other with such tails incorporated into hats, or attaching larger versions to their belts and running around. No one is really sure, and research into the topic horrifies all investigators with the least shred of dignity.

doctrine

Skratzivort is a chaotic good deity and his clerics are chaotic good (the majority), neutral good (the larger minority), or chaotic neutral (the remainder). His clerics wear robes decorated with trees, nuts, squirrels, and gliding mammals, appropriate to the area they live in. His symbol is a nut, again typical to the region the cleric lives in. His epithets and titles include the Hairy-Tailed One, the Nut Lord, Rocket, and He Who Remembers Where His Nuts Are Stored. His home is believed to be Yggdrasil, but he forever wanders and leaps across branches that it may be that he has no true home. His portfolio is squirrels and gliding mammals. Why gliding mammals? Nobody really knows. Why the heck does Raxivort have rats and bats, two thoroughly unrelated animals, as part of his portfolio?!? If he can do it, Skratzivort certainly can!

His primary worshipers are those who like to run on branches and leap from tree to tree, those who seek nuts and are willing to eat them, and those who are just plain nuts. His domains are Animal, Chaos, Good, and Plant. His favored weapon is the thrown nut. (Treat as a shuriken that does bludgeoning damage. Optionally, you can also use the skiprock and war sling from Races of the Wild as additional favored weapons.)

rites and rituals

Holidays

(What sort of holidays would a squirrel have? No, seriously, what in the multiverse could possibly be worth celebrating when you worship freaking squirrels? Gah!)

First Nut: The day the first nuts suitable for hoarding appear on trees is greeted with solemn ritual and joyous celebration. To most outsiders it appears that a congregation simply goes wild, scurrying into trees (and gliding between them), collecting as many nuts as they possibly can, with nothing even vaguely resembling a ritual. Followers of Skratzivort dismiss such criticisms as being the sour grapes of uninitiated heathens, and focus their energies on gathering more nuts.

I Remember!: When food stores run low in winter, the first time someone remembers where they hid their hoard of nuts is treated as a time of celebration. Again, outsiders view this as nothing more than someone leaping to his feet, shouting that he remembers, and the entire community racing to uncover the stash, then stuffing themselves in a desperate attempt to stave off starvation. Followers of Skratzivort will steadfastly refuse to share their nuts with anyone who makes such a comment during the ritual, at least until the persons offers a full and sincere apology.

The Scampering: A true absurdity, this “holiday” consists of an entire community spontaneously dropping everything they are doing and running wildly across any available branches in a combination of Follow the Leader and Tag! The Scampering may be held several times a year, always in good weather, whenever enough people decide they need a day off. Questions and criticisms of the practice are inevitably met with mockery, typically involving some variation of “You can’t catch me!” and “You can’t do what I can do!” Persistent detractors will be pelted with acorns. Sane observers will flee at top speed the moment they suspect a Scampering is beginning.

Sayings

The insight into the minds of the followers of Skratzivort revealed in their sayings is more than most people want to know. For those who insist, forget spells are often the only salvation.

Nuts!: Reputed to be a legendary declaration of defiance from a general rejecting a call to surrender to an overwhelming force, the faithful of Skratzivort point out that they use nuts as weapons, and that it should serve as a warning to those who mock them.

Whee!: An exclamation of sheer joy used repeatedly during the holiday rituals mentioned above. When asked why this serves as a statement of faith, followers of Skratzivort just nod and say that proves the person asking just does not get it.

Get your hands off that squirrel’s ____!!!.: According to the hobloggers, this is a reminder to both share and not to steal. Most outsiders think it is used purely for shock value. The fact that even hobloggers are unable to keep a straight face for more than a minute after shouting it to each other is taken as proof enough that it is not intended for any serious purpose.

Holy Texts

It is almost absurd to consider a faith as bizarre as this one to have books they consider holy. Therefore, just to teach the rest of the world a lesson, they do.

Beyond the Shrubbery Enclosure: This is a collection of short tales describing the adventures of a particularly adept squirrel and his woodland cohorts in their attempts to penetrate the protective barrier around a small community so they can raid it for food and entertainment. The squirrel and his friends regularly find themselves commenting on the more absurd behavior of the people living within the community, particularly the effects not scurrying on trees (or gliding between them) and acquiring and storing nuts has on them. As books, they are lavishly illustrated, and used for both entertainment and education.

The Heroes of Chilblains Cascades: Another cycle of heroic tales, this series involves a flying squirrel who can actually fly and not just glide, and his partner, a large dimwitted moose with arcane spell-casting ability, as they protect their home town of Chilblains Cascades from the nefarious schemes of two spies attempting to subvert their home for a mysterious overlord. Rather than simple commentary, these tales contain valuable moral lessons under the veneer of absurd situations and outrageous wordplay. These books are also extensively illustrated, and are a favorite among children as well as adults.

The Complete Sciurid: The ultimate sourcebook for everything related to squirrels (plus an extensive appendix addressing gliding mammals), this massive tome contains detailed descriptions and options (Options? What options could they possibly have?) for all types of squirrels (and gliding mammals). At least it is believed to. To date, no one from outside the followers of Skratzivort has been able to confirm this, as the few who have attempted to read the book have gone irretrievably insane before getting past the third chapter. This insanity is inevitably some form of dementia, ranging from sciuranthropy, to violent sciurophilia wherein the person will attack anyone who criticizes squirrels or the book.

servants

Clerics

Virtually all of Skratzivort’s clerics are multi-classed cleric/rangers, just so they can get a squirrel as an animal companion. Indeed those wishing to become clerics must have such a companion in order to be accepted. This tends to limit the number of clerics within the cult, which all outsiders who are aware of them are quite grateful for. Beyond that, their duties are extremely limited. Clerics are expected to scamper on branches (and glide, if possible) regularly, as well as take the lead in finding and storing nuts. Other than that, their obligations are non-existent, and most spend their free time in supporting their communities to the best of their ability. Among hobloggers, this involves healing those who do not scamper as well as they do, scouting, relocating squirrels living in trees that are to be harvested, and similar tasks. It is here that those clerics who are capable of gliding are most valued, as the ability to soar across the canyons in the Iron Hills enables them to get places inaccessible to others.

Followers

Lay followers of Skratzivort are expected to do the same things as his clergy: scamper (with gliding if possible) and gather nuts. Many feel it enhances their connection to Skratzivort to help squirrels, tending their injuries, helping them gather nuts, and sharing stores of nuts with them in the winter. Others seek to work with squirrels more directly, training them for a variety of tasks that tiny animals can perform for the benefit of a community. Rumors exist of some that take this to extremes, using breeding techniques borrowed from gnomes to create giant squirrels for a variety of tasks. Most dismiss these as nonsense, as no rational being would want to recreate some of those experiments. Others remind those cynics that the term “rational being” has no place in any discussion of followers of Skratzivort, particularly when it involves hobloggers.

Relations With Other Religions

Much like squirrels, Skratzivort and his followers are ignored as much as possible by other faiths in the hopes that they will scurry off anywhere else. In rare cases, a particularly over exuberant crusader who is not paying close attention will mistake Skratzivort’s name for that of Raxivort, and try to smite them. The followers of Skratzivort will simply race for the nearest tree or similar object, and scamper around it with the crusader in full pursuit until they wear him out, whereupon they will explain the situation to him, enunciating carefully, until he comprehends. Failing that they will typically scatter, allowing him to pursue them fruitlessly until such time as he either comes to his senses and gives up or collapses from apoplexy.

The one exception to the above rule is Raxivort himself who takes excessive umbrage at the confusion, and attempts to assail Skratzivort whenever possible. This enmity carries through to the xvart followers of Raxivort, who will go into a frenzy and savagely attack followers of Skratzivort whenever possible. Such attacks inevitably end with them fleeing in terror while being pelted by acorns, leaving their dead and dying littering the field.

Prestige Classes

To the everlasting dismay of outsiders, more than a few hobloggers live long enough to qualify for prestige classes. To their unending regret, those that do inevitably favor classes that enhance their squirrel companions, or give them greater squirrel-like powers. Beastmaster and animal lord are by far the most prominent prestige classes found among followers of Skratzivort. Perhaps even more repugnant to the rational mind is a variant of the halfling outrider class, featuring a (thankfully) rare variety of dire squirrel as the mount.

For those who seek the ultimate union with Skratzivort, there is the squirrely prestige class.

Squirrelly		HD d8
Level	Base Attack Bonus		Fort Save	Ref Save	Will Save	Special
1st	+0		+0	+2	+0	Fuzziness
2nd	+1		+0	+3	+0	Sciurid agility, claws
3rd	+2		+1	+3	+1	Tail
4th	+3		+1	+4	+1	Sciurid agility, Fuzziness
5th	+3		+1	+4	+1	Nut sense
6th	+4		+2	+5	+2	Sciurid resilience
7th	+5		+2	+5	+2	Fuzziness, scurrying
8th	+6/+1		+2	+6	+2	Sciurid cuteness
9th	+6/+1		+3	+6	+3	Patagium
10th	+7/+2		+3	+7	+3	Sciurid apotheosis

Requirements

Special: You must be a worshiper of Skratzivort to take this prestige class. Being more than a bit squirrelly to begin with will also help significantly.

Class Skills (8 + Int modifier per level): Balance (Dex), Bluff (Cha), Climb (Str), Escape Artist (Dex), Handle Animal (Cha), Hide (Dex), Jump (Str), Knowledge (local) (Int), Knowledge (nature) (Int), Listen (Wis), Move Silently (Dex), Search (Wis), Sleight of Hand (Dex), Spot (Wis), Survival (Wis), Tumble (Dex)

Class Features:

All of the following are class features of a Squirrelly character

Weapon and Armor Proficiency: Squirrelly gain no proficiency with any weapons, armor, or shields.

Fuzziness (Ex): At 1st, 4th, and 7th, level, a squirrelly becomes more squirrel-like in appearance. His skin becomes furrier, gradually turning into a soft pelt of adorable fur. This provides a +1 increase to the character’s existing natural armor (if any) at each of those levels.

Claws (Ex): At 2nd level, a squirrelly gains claws. These claws do not do additional damage, but do allow the squirrelly to treat his unarmed attacks as natural weapons, allowing him to threaten adjacent squares, and make unarmed attacks without provoking attacks of opportunity. More importantly for a squirrelly, they grant a Climb speed equal to one-half of the squirrelly’s base speed. The squirrelly gains a +8 racial bonus to all climb checks. The squirrelly can take 10 on all climb checks, even if rushed or threatened while climbing. If he chooses to make an accelerated climb, he moves at double his climb speed, and makes a single Climb check at a -5 penalty. He cannot run while climbing. He retains his Dexterity bonus to Armor Class (if any) while climbing, and opponents get no special bonus on their attacks against a climbing creature.

Sciurid Agility: At 2nd level and again at 4th level, a squirrelly’s squirrel-like reflexes improve. This gives him a +2 bonus to Dexterity at each of those levels.

Tail: At 3rd level a squirrelly grows a tail, the most sacred appendage of Skratzivort. This tail looks absolutely gorgeous, and grants a +4 racial bonus on Balance, Climb, and Jump checks.

Nut Sense: At 5th level, a squirrelly gains enhanced sensory abilities. He gains the Scent special ability.

Sciurid Resilience: At 6th level, a squirrelly’s ability to survive harsh conditions improve. This gives him a +2 bonus to Constitution.

Scurrying: At 7th level, a squirrelly becomes as one with his glorious tail. He can now run or charge while climbing, and does not have to move in a straight line when doing so. He also ignores all terrain penalties for moving while in trees.

Sciurid Cuteness (Sp): At 8th level the incredible adorableness of the squirrelly’s tail becomes impossible for others to ignore. The squirrelly gains a +2 bonus to Charisma.

Patagium (Sp): At 9th level the squirrelly approaches the perfection of gliding mammal form. He grows patagium between his arms and legs. These allow him to glide at a speed of 30 feet with clumsy maneuverability. When gliding, he must lose 10 feet of altitude for every 30 feet he travels. The patagium interfere with the ability to wear armor, and require any such to be custom made. The squirrelly cannot glide at all if wearing medium or heavy armor, or if carrying a medium or heavy load. The patagium count as having wings and a natural fly speed for the purpose of taking feats that require either as a prerequisite.

Sciurid Apotheosis (Sp): At 10th level a squirrelly finally becomes one with Skratzivort! He gains another +4 Dexterity and +2 Charisma. His fuzziness becomes complete giving him a total of +4 to natural armor. His senses improve further, giving him low-light vision, as well as tremorsense to 30 feet while in contact with a tree, and a +4 racial bonus to Listen, Search, and Spot checks. His scurrying improves further and he may now run or charge without having to move in a straight line while on the ground. He further ignores the effects of heavy and light undergrowth when moving on the ground, including while charging.

trappings of faith

Magic Items

Few faiths have relics that are so utterly inane as the faith of Skratzivort. That in no way makes them less desired by his followers. These items are both relics and a functioning magic item set, neither of which makes them any less ridiculous.

Patagium of Gliding:

This bulky cloak comes with attached gloves and boots. When properly worn, it looks as if the user had a full patagium (the membrane used for gliding by gliding mammals) stretched along his sides. Unfortunately its extensive nature means it takes up the hand, foot, and shoulder slots. When you wear it, the patagium functions as a ring of feather falling if you are Neutral Good, Chaotic Good, or Chaotic Neutral.

To use the relic power you must worship Skratzivort and either sacrifice a 3^rd level divine spell slot or have the True Believer feat and at least 5 HD. The relic power enables you to glide at will as per the glide spell (detailed below) at will.

Tail of Balance:

A long, fluffy squirrel tail, this item is attached at the waist. An extensive series of straps that criss-cross the body give the wearer nearly complete control of the tail. This unfortunately means the item requires both the waist and body slots to use properly. The basic ability of the tail provides a +5 competence bonus to all Balance checks.

To use the relic power you must worship Skratzivort and either sacrifice a 2^nd level divine spell slot or have the True believer feat and at least 5 HD. The relic power enables you to run on branches as per the scamper spell (detailed below) at will.

Pilot’s Cap:

This is a tight leather cap combined with a pair of goggles suitable for protecting your eyes when traveling at high speed. The basic ability of the cap is identical to the precise weapon enhancement (Magic Item Compendium 40) when using acorns or skiprocks.

To use the relic power you must worship Skratzivort and either sacrifice a 4^th level divine spell slot or have the True believer feat and at least 7 HD. The relic power functions like goggles of foefinding (Magic Item Compendium 108).

Collection Benefits:

The pieces of the Squirrel Suit (as the collection is called) give you squirrel-like movement and precision. For those who gain multiple pieces, the powers make you truly squirrely.

2 Pieces A: Wearing the patagium and one other piece of this ridiculous collection enables you to actually fly, as per the spell, instead of glide, 1/day. You may also spontaneously convert any spell of 3^rd level or higher into an additional use of this ability, or any spell of 5^th level or higher into overland flight.

2 Pieces B: Wearing the cap and tail enables you to transform yourself into a squirrel once per day. (Treat as a rat with a climb speed of 30 feet and no swim speed.) It also allows you to store fat in the tail to sustain yourself in the future. For every day you eat twice as much food as normal you may ignore the effects of starvation and thirst for one day in the future. You may store up to 90 days of food in this manner.

3 Pieces: Wearing the entire collection gives you the ability to cast fire seeds (acorn grenades only) once per day.

Spells

Skratzivort’s followers have created a few spells to grant them the abilities of the mighty squirrel.

Scamper

Transmutation
Level: Druid 2/Ranger 2
Components: V, S
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Touch
Target: Creature Touched
Duration: 1 hour/level (D)
Saving Throw: Will negates (harmless)
Spell Resistance: Yes (harmless)

The smell of wood fills your nostrils as you complete the spell and touch your intended subject. A fuzzy tail springs from the subject’s rear as he lifts up on his toes, his body filled with nervous energy.

The affected creature can run freely over tree branches without having its speed reduced. The affected creature gains a 10-foot enhancement bonus to speed and is not required to make a Balance check or Reflex save to run on narrow branches.

Glide

Transmutation
Level: Druid 2/Ranger 2
Components: V, S, DF
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Touch
Target: Creature Touched
Duration: 1 minute/level (D)
Saving Throw: Will negates (harmless)
Spell Resistance: Yes (harmless)

You invoke the spell and touch the subject, causing a translucent, phantom patagium to appear between the subject’s outstretched arms and feet.

The subject can glide with a speed of 30 feet (or 20 feet if it wears medium or heavy armor, or if it carries a medium or heavy load). Because this is gliding and not actual flight, the subject must drop 10 feet for every 60 feet traveled.

Summoning List

Skratzivort enables his followers to summon celestial squirrels, as well as his moose allies. How and why moose came to be allies of Skratzivort is mystery, though many believe it is based on a secret hidden iin the subtext in the stories of the Heroes of Chilblains Cascades.

Summon Monster I

Celestial Dire Squirrel†

Summon Monster II

Celestial Moose††

Summon Monster VII

Celestial Dire Moose†††

Summon Monster VIII

Celestial Mega-Squirrel††††

† Use the same stats as a dire rat but climb speed is 40 ft. and it has no diseased attack
†† Use the stats for the elk in Silver Marches 119
††† Use the stats for the dire elk in Monster Manual II 75
†††† Use the stats for the megatherium in Fiend Folio 124

sample npcs

If for some reason a DM is cruel enough to inflict followers of Skratzivort on his players, the following can serve as sample contacts. If players willingly choose to contact them, we recommend contacting the authorities, they may be dangerous.

Tweaky the Hooded (anthropomorphic squirrel rogue 4)

Originally a human petty thief born in the streets of Gradsul, Tweaky ran afoul of a transmuter whose pocket he attempted to pick. Finding himself suddenly in the body of a squirrel, he immediately fled the city and took up residence in the woods nearby. Surprisingly, Tweaky soon discovered he had a taste for nuts and other forest provender. His scavenging skills served him well, and before long he was eating well and happier than he’d ever been. Unfortunately, he was never a picky eater and his lack of culinary discernment soon got him into trouble once again. A bout with poisonous mushrooms and berries fried most of his nervous system, cursing him with a number of nervous ticks, twitches, and the need to frequently make strange and rude noises at random intervals. Even stranger, Tweaky’s squirrel body began to change, returning to him the use of his hands and speaking voice, and increasing his size considerably.

Frightened by his new form and thoroughly unable to cope, Tweaky fled through the forest for weeks. Eventually his twitching, emaciated form was found by a family of hobloggers, and they nursed him back to health. The family was kind and fed Tweaky well, and soon he was once more at peace. He also learned of Scratxivort, finding in the Great Bushy-Tail a figure he could both admire and emulate. Tweaky has now become a zealous follower of the Nutty One, and spends his time serving those of like faith who are in need of a champion.

Tweaky now stands about 4’ tall and retains a distinctly squirrel-like appearance. He has taken to wearing a great cowl to conceal his features when traveling among those who might be alarmed by his form, though his incessant twitching often causes the hood to fall off his head. Worse, he is completely at the mercy of an entirely new tick gained from feasting on moldy bark – a habit he formed last winter when food was scarce. Anytime Tweaky is traveling along a road upon which a cart is approaching, he will spot something on the opposite side of the road that he simply must have. Some inner compulsion causes him to wait until the approaching cart is near, and immediately before it passes he runs across the road to obtain the object of his desires. This, of course, invariably upsets the animal pulling the cart, causing it to swerve off the road and into a tree.

Bruce (anthropomorphic dire sugar glider fighter 9)

Bruce hails from a land far to the south of Hepmonaland – a mysterious place known only as “Downunda.” A jovial fellow, he is well-liked among the hoblogger communities and occasionally joins them in their labors. However, Bruce rarely holds any position for long, preferring instead to spend his time hanging out at the local tavern singing logging chanteys and swilling copious amounts of whatever’s on tap. A late sleeper, he seldom wakes before noon, and remains active until the wee hours of the morning. This is rather unfortunate for his friends, as Bruce refuses to acquire accommodations of his own and regularly must crash on their sofas.

Though his manner is quite gruff and manly, Bruce suffers from an incurably cute and adorable appearance. Women love him, and he is often surrounded by a bevy of young lovelies who can’t seem to keep themselves from running their fingers through his fur. While Bruce appreciates the attention, he is quite sensitive about his appearance, and anyone fool enough to make fun of him for it is asking for trouble. The danger is further heightened by Bruce’s unique ability to capitalize on his cuteness. At will Bruce can assume a particularly sweet and adorable demeanor, widening his eyes and assuming a meek and frightened demeanor. This requires a full round to accomplish, and any foe witnessing it must make a DC 30 Will save or be overcome by a modified form of charm person spell. This effect causes the victim to stand in place for 1-4 rounds, cooing and saying things like, “Awwww, ain’t he cute!” repeatedly. Of course, Bruce is entirely free to do as he chooses during this period, and he uses it to attack his foe with teeth and claws, becoming a furry, adorable, little fuzzball of death. Bruce’s teeth and claws are unnaturally sharp, and are the equivalent of +3 keen weapons. While they do relatively little damage by themselves, he wields them with great fury and is brave enough to tackle even the largest and most frightening foes.

Bruce stands only 3’ tall, which makes him right at home among hobloggers. His entire body is covered in soft fur, with stripes of black and white down the back. His eyes are unusually large. To make his halfling friends more comfortable he has taken to wearing trousers and steel-toed work boots, and he seldom removes (or washes) them. He is a devout follower of Scratxivort, and the regular acts of worship performed by the Fur-Father’s faithful are some of the few things capable of making him take life seriously. He does experience occasional difficulties among Scratxivort’s Flanaess-born worshipers, however, as his stomach cannot tolerate nuts in any form. He much prefers fruit.

Bullwingle the Mook (half-ogre conjurer 12/barbarian 3)

The mighty Bullwingle was found wandering in the woods as a toddler, barely able to walk or talk and completely unable to fend for himself. A kind hoblogger family took him in, granting him a comfortable place under the stairs where he could sleep and play with sticks. When asked his name, the closest he could come to pronouncing it in the halfling tongue was “Bullwingle,” and the moniker stuck. Though a careful search was conducted – especially after it was discovered how much a half-ogre child eats – no sign of his parents was ever found.

Bullwingle has since grown into a strapping – nay, massive, imposing, huge – young half-ogre with gentle eyes, a kind heart, and little intellect to speak of. Raised on a steady diet of nuts and devotion to Scratxivort, he is a fervent follower of the Nut-Master, and enthusiastically dives into the worship practices of his community (often resulting in a number of bruises, lacerations, and abrasions to those around him). He likes to be helpful and readily joins in with hoblogger parties bound for the forest, and these usually put him to work carrying water and otherwise staying out of the way. Mostly, though, his parents keep him at home to help with the youngsters of the community, and he is a great favorite with all of them. He spends most of his time frolicking with the children in the fields, picking flowers, playing chase, and protecting them from harm.

However, Bullwingle’s true ambition is to be a great wizard. By way of a special dispensation from Scratxivort, he is able to cast arcane spells of any level in spite of his low Intelligence. Unfortunately, while Bullwingle can cast the spells he has a hard time understanding them, and because of this they more often than not go wrong. This misfortune also applies to any magic items he may wield that require spell completion – any spell completion item in his hands is treated as a wand of wonder regardless of its actual powers.

Bullwingle has learned through hard experience not to cast spells around children. Unfortunately, he is more than willing to aid his adult friends with all the free spells they may need. Sometimes that’s not so bad, and sometimes it’s terrible. All of Bullwingle’s spells (except conjuration spells) have a 55% chance of going wrong, with failure indicating a random spell of equal level is substituted for the one he intended to cast (it need not be a spell he actually knows). In the case of conjuration spells, Bullwingle’s spells work normally unless they involve the summoning of living creatures. Bullwingle prefers summoning spells of all sorts, and in combat casts them before all other spells. In his hands such spells have a 75% chance of failing, with failure resulting in the arrival of the expected creature enhanced with the fiendish and dire templates, or with the effects of said templates doubled if the creature already possesses them (alternately, the DM can simply add any two templates to the creature). In addition, if Bullwingle botches a summoning spell his alignment in regard to the creature summoned is always considered evil. Any creatures that arrive in response to his summoning spells cannot be commanded and will invariably attack the nearest creature, even if it’s Bullwingle himself.

Bullwingle almost never uses his barbarian abilities unless he’s very, very angry, and fortunately for everyone the only way to get him that mad is to harm the children in his care. Causing even a scratch to any one of them will cause him to fly into a rage, destroying every enemy in his path. Worse, Bullwingle has the uncanny ability to cast summoning spells while raging, and in these specific circumstances the creatures summoned are under his complete control and will not turn against him even if magically compelled. This unusual effect remains until the summoned creatures are dispelled or killed.

Planar Ally

Hushed legends speak of the destructive prowess of Wooly Rupert (CN legendary giant space hamster of legend sorcerer 20), also known as the Giant Space Hamster of Ill Omen. How and why Wooly Rupert came to work for Skratzivort is unknown, especially since he is neither a squirrel nor a gliding mammal. (Suggestions that Wooly Rupert’s spelljamming abilities qualify as gliding are considered so absurd as to perhaps be reasonable given everything else that is known about Skratzivort.)

Getting Wooly Rupert to help is surprisingly easy – all you need is enough chow to fill his cheek pouches. The only limitation is his incredible hatred of gnomes. If gnomes are anywhere nearby when Wooly Rupert is summoned, any mission is tossed out the window as he goes off on a rampage against them. This limits his use in some situations, though there are stories that it has been used in the past, with a gnome “volunteer” racing into the middle of an army of squirrel- and Scratixivort-haters, with Wooly Rupert in frenzied pursuit, destroying said army as collateral damage in pursuit of the gnome.